Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally out of position. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:

A 3-floor On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")

As well as a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Of course, positive, let us have An additional location wherever American Guys can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: present Everybody a collection on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be tender electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he should really halt employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the venture, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."

Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from Area, a attribute becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after acquiring the setting up's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It truly is not only unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Capabilities

Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium where friends may ponder vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with climate Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Area Syrians are Not sure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Appear"

The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Without end."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is now attracting consideration from Global buyers, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even consist of:

A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Part Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to hold out to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a lodge the place my PTSD may have convert-down services."

A different post Trump Tower Damascus from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports recommend:

China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Ultimate Views through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Constitution. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."